Piece of mind...

This picture was taken just over a year ago. I was experiencing some of the worst pain of my life. I had been through a lot, my life has been anything but normal, simple or easy however for the first time I had fully trusted someone, fully loved them and fully let them in. And my worst fear came true, they took it back and returned my heart even more mangled than before. Fortunately my heart was God's and so its foundation was firm, but it does not reduce the pain of humanity.

I can remember praying that for just one second I could feel better and not only the emotional pain I went through in that time but the physical pain of a deep loss would be gone if just for a moment. Pain is hard regardless of what it is but I had learned enough from my past to know that God is sovereign and He will never let me go, and in Him I can put my trust so I held out for the time when he would give me some relief. Crying out to Him day and night. On the day that this photo was taken I was given moments of relief, and although the future moments would be very hard I was reminded that God gives just what we need for each moment. I came across this photo tonight (morning) and it was just another reminder that as I continue to heal from each piece of my past God is with me, granting me the strength I need for each day. To feel the sting of the alcohol that will clean my wounds and heal what has been torn.

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds" - Psalm 147:3

- T.

What you never had...

I was thinking today about how often we miss what we never had. That loss is not simply defined by something we lost that we once had but it can be by something we never had. It can be just as hard to see past that hurt in order to see what we actually do have though.

There are so many things I miss, having a family like some that my friends have, having a relationship with my father, or being connected with my extended family, and having that person that walked through the hardest times in my life with me.

When I think about this stuff I realize that I do miss those things. However it would be so sad for me to focus on this alone and on the gifts God has given me. Although I haven't had many long lasting friendships or real connectedness to my family I do have many friends who love me and care for me. Although it seems like I've had to walk alone I know I haven't, and although I don't have a relationship with my earthly father, with my heavenly father I do.

So although I sometimes miss what I never had, I can be thankful for all I do.

These are all people that I am so blessed to call my friends :)




















- T. :)

I feel behind...

Today I learned about two websites,

FMyLife

MyLifeIsAverage.


Interesting.

This is my favourite one for MLIA

"Today, Out of boredom I ninja-rolled off my computer chair on to the floor where my cat was laying she immediately nodded and ninja rolled as well. Well done little grasshopper well done".

My favourite FML

.Today, my boyfriend tickled me. In between laughs, I warned him that I was going to pee myself. He didn't believe me. After I actually did, he suggested we use a "safety word" from now on so that he will know when I'm being serious".

Very funny.



- T.

Desert Song.

Yesterday was a hard day I spent a large chunk in tears but with little energy I went to the Prison at night for Celebrate Recovery. The first thing we did was worship and the first song was desert song. I couldn't believe how much I needed to hear those words. As it came to last verse however I thought of something I hadn't before.

"This is my prayer in the harvest
When favour and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow"

 I was thinking about how dry I was, and have been for some time. It reminded me that the harvest will come, and whether I remain dry for some more time or am filled again soon that God is with me and I can rely on Him for my strength in each situation. When it feels like people take more than I have to give, that it is God in me strengthening me each day, for each situation. 

As I left the prison I had a bit more energy, I had been filled enough to get through those moments and the rest of the night. I was still quite exhausted from the sadness of the day but as I woke in the morning I knew God had given me exactly what I needed.

"but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." - Isaiah 40:31.

-T.







This is one of my favourite pictures from the summer. Me and Baby Catie. :) 

Martin Luther King Jr. Day

Happy Martin Luther King Jr. Day, a day to honour the man who spoke up against hatred and segregation.

"I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character" 

What a dream, he dreamed big and trusted God to get it there and although he didn't get to see it in his lifetime and this world is not perfect he made an impact. The progress that was made because of his life will never be forgotten. So today lets dream big, and speak out because one voice does make a difference. 

- T. 

BrickBreaker!

Something very exciting happened at about 2am on Jan. 16, 2011. I beat David Dunn's score on Brickbreaker on my phone!
- T. 

I will think of you each time I see the sun!

"I will think of you each time I see the sun, Didn't want a day without you, but somehow I've lived through another one"- Ice on her lashes by Brooke Fraser

Loss is never easy it hurts, it comes in different forms one no easier than the other. Recently I've been writing out my testimony as well as taking part in a grief and loss program at the prison. I've lost some very significant people in my life, whether it be to death or other circumstances. We walk through each day suddenly without this person, and we must learn to find others to confide in when we would confide in the other person. As time goes on we learn to cope, and move forward in life without them. Some day's we still miss them but our life goes on even if there's has not.

So lets celebrate the lost and celebrate the life we've been given and not let it waste away.

This is a photo of my grandparents my grandmother died when I was young but my Poppa was one of the greatest men I have known. 

-T.

Skating At Kitchener City Square :)

Marilyn and I on the Ice :) 

So I went Skating at Kitchener City Square tonight for the first time, and other than being ridiculously cold it was an amazing time! :) I'm excited to go again sometime! :)

- T.




All of us, you can tell I have hit the point being so cold I'm numb! I need warmer gloves! haha

A great analogy!

This is a video by Francis Chan, speaking about how Christians often live their lives.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LA_uwWPE6lQ

 

- T

Loving Others

It was our first council of the year and Marilyn did a devotion about how we use love as a commodity. She read from the book Blue Like Jazz; This is a quote that I found intriguing.

"The problem with Christian culture is we think of love as a commodity. We use it like money... This was the thing that had smelled so rotten all those years. I used love like money. The church used love like money. With love, we withheld affirmation from the people who did not agree with us, but we lavishly financed the ones who did" (Blue Like Jazz, Donald Miller, p.218).

This was something I know that I really needed to hear. I had been struggling with loving a person that I really didn't like, and I could tell it was beginning to show. Another quote from Blue Like Jazz is,

"If a person senses that you do not like them... then your religion and your political ideas will all seem wrong to them. If they sense that you like them, then they are open to what you have to say" (Blue Like Jazz, Donald Miller, p.220).

As Christians we need to strive to like people to put our judgments down, we judge other Christians, we judge the world. We say that we love unconditionally but this isn't true. We leave no room for God to work through us with His amazing love and grace that none of us deserve. In my post a couple days ago I talked about how I want to learn to let other people love me, and with that I must learn to love other people beyond likes and dislikes. I tend to like most people, there are very few people I do not but I still find myself at fault of placing judgment where it should not be. Love is not a commodity, it is undeserved and based on grace and acceptance. If God gives us unconditional love then it seems we must strive to give this to others.

- T. 









Apparently there is movie coming out called Blue Like Jazz, that came from the book.

I really like this quote!

"What if it ends? What if I enjoy you more than you enjoy me? What if your delight in me is bogus? Or worse, what if it is mere manipulation to get from me what you want? What if I love you and then you die, divorce me, or turn against me? The risk is more than I can bear, and so I refuse to open my heart to another person who will arouse my desire and then might use me or dash me to the ground...Such ambivalence is the enemy of love, [because love] is the capacity to offer ourselves to others".
- Exert from The Healing Path by Dan Allender, pg 29.


The enemy of love, it seems I have been living this way. Does that make me an enemy of love? Maybe. I am afraid; each day I live in fear that those who I begin to open up to will leave, hurt me and use me. Although these things have been done to me, I don't believe it makes it right to judge everyone from this framework refusing to grow from there and accept love that someone may want to give. However it is not as simple to say I am going to let people love me. There is the unknowns who to give this trust? and how do you change a thinking that's been developing for 20 years. I have a long way to go, but I have also come a long way. And I believe that God will change my heart, and my mind, filling me with His love, grace and assurance that I do not need to be afraid because He is with me and for me.

This is 20 year old me, hopefully I can look back at this 20 years from now and say I chose to be loved.

- T.

Late Night with Conan O'Brien

#98 - Find a new podcast

I didn't know Conan had a podcast. And it is funny. Thank you Conan for making my Itunes that much better.

- T.

The Beginning of the End.

I am returning from Winter Break for the last time ever at Emmanuel. Its a little crazy to think about. #2 - I tried wing tonight called "Sweet Marie", they were BBQ with peanut butter in the glaze. They were interesting. :) Special thanks to Christian for letting me try his wings.

- T.




               This is a picture from winter break my first year where a group 6 of us ate 100 wings.

Happy 2011 !!!

Well Its officially 2011. I am very very sick today, I slept until 5PM. Something new I did today was sleep for the majority of the day. I also watched Moulin Rouge for the first time. Hopefully tomorrows will be more interesting. 

- T.